• Crystal Fehrman

Agreements I Made To Myself After Divorce

There came the point in my life after divorce that I found myself in deep reflection. After feeling like I had hit rock bottom emotionally, I knew that something had to change. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, entirely depleted of anything positive; something had to give. Sometimes looking in the mirror can be terrifying, having to face the truth of your created outcomes, but I knew it was time to take 100% responsibility for my life.

For my life to improve, I knew that my thoughts had to change because I am a firm believer that everything is connected; our thoughts, emotions, physical wellbeing, our actions and our outcomes. I decided to make some new agreements with myself to take full responsibility for my life and step into my power, to shift what wasn't working for me any longer.


I remember the first night in my new home after my divorce, and it is a night I will never forget. As I lay in my bed, in my sparsely furnished room, I stared up at my ceiling, sleepless with tears flowing down my face. How the hell did I get here?

It was one of the loneliest nights I had experienced in a long time, and at that moment, I knew there would be many more to follow. Instead of celebrating my brand new home, moving in, starting over independently of another person, I allowed the loneliness and the sadness to consume me. After spending years in this frame of mind - always focusing on what went wrong, how I messed up, how I should have known better and done better - I couldn't have been further from my authentic self. I remember waking up one morning and saying out loud, "this isn't me. I am not this person. Who the hell am I then?" It was time to wake up. It was time to re-focus.

I began to focus on what I wanted rather than what I didn't like, and I did this in various ways. I started expressing my gratitude for everything: home, son, self, relationships, material goods, water, body, EVERYTHING. The more I focused on what I wanted while leaving everything else behind, the more clearly I could see. As Tony Robbins says, "energy flows where attention goes." I agreed to give my energy openly and freely to the things I wanted to manifest in my life, and that's that. So when my ex-husband said something I disagreed with or didn't like, I would step back, take a pause, and then ask myself, "would you rather be hurting or happy?" - Happy it is! And at that moment, I would shift my energy and give it to something deserving, like my son, my current partner, my work, something I love and want to nourish. It isn't to say that things never got to me or upset me; of course, they did, and that is perfectly normal, but I agreed not to stay stuck in that upset any longer than necessary and to re-focus. Reaching for a better feeling thought has become a regular practice of mine, and I have succeeded in abiding by the agreement to re-focus my thoughts; because of this, my life has changed for the better, and I will never go back to being the person I once was.


I wish I had someone in my life at the time of my divorce to share this piece of advice with me; heck, maybe someone had, but I was too wrapped up in my stress to hear them. I took everything personally, and this was detrimental to my mental health and overall wellbeing. I unknowingly gave my power away every day when I emotionally reacted to the things hurting me; I allowed other people's opinions to take over my inner dialogue, their words became my own. I developed into my own worst critic. I will never forget the moment my ex-husband told me I was a bad mom; in that moment and for years to come, I believed him. I valued his opinion of me more than my own, and I was hypersensitive to my parenting choices after that. I had this emotional charge circulating through me; it caused me to second-guess myself. I constantly wondered if I was good enough, if I was doing enough, and if my son loved me. It took me MANY long years to become aware of what was truly happening here, and I had learned this lesson the hard way. Now that I can see things clearly after sorting through trauma and healing deeply wounded aspects of myself, I understand that what people say about you is truly a reflection of themselves, NOT YOU. As I look back on that day, my ex-husband told me I am a bad mom; I feel zero emotion concerning that situation whatsoever at this moment. I now recognize that he made that statement for many underlying reasons that don't have anything to do with me. When we choose not to take anything personally, we remain secure in our power and fully aligned with our truth and values - not someone else's. I wish I had learned that lesson sooner in life. I know it would have helped me transition into life after divorce so much easier -, but when we know better, that's when we can do better.


Marriage is a two-way street - I didn't fail my marriage; two people in a relationship together didn't make the marriage work. Divorce isn't about one person taking the fall for dreams not coming true; both parties are responsible here. It is tough when relationships end. I mean everything changes; your home, your friends, your family, your routines, everything! It takes some time to get used to your new way of life and your exes. One thing is for sure; blame adds fuel to the fire and doesn't get you closer to your best self or your ideal life; it keeps you stuck on a never-ending roller coaster ride that makes you want to vomit over time. Blaming your ex or yourself will get you nowhere but a free ride to Victim-Ville; it sounds fun, right? If you can relate to this and find yourself blaming yourself or others for where you currently are, I lovingly invite you to stop. I know it is easier said than done, I get it; but when we focus on ourselves and what we want in this life, is there room for blame? - Only if we allow it.

Making these agreements with myself has taught me to be accountable to myself; they have helped me align with the real version of who I was meant to be all along. It isn't easy to focus when there is so much trauma and stress present. It is hard not taking things personally sometimes, especially when you're doing your best and it never seems reasonable enough. And it can feel so much easier to blame someone for the position we think they have put us in. But I promise you this, making new agreements with yourself and holding yourself accountable will change your life forever - You will become unstoppable.

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